Who Even Knows What Will Happen Next
by notidkgba27
Summary: Cartman is gay and Kenny is Kenny. Kenny/Cartman


**A/N: Hi there!**

**Tbh I don't know where this will go it might stay a oneshot or become a multi-chap or maybe even become what I originally wanted it to be a multi-chap Kenny/Cartman/Butters (this fic is called "bunnman 2parter" in my files) but who knows.**

**Enjoy :)**

"Dick or ass?"

Cartman looks up from his phone, his brows knitted together at the question. His guest just looks back at him waiting for an answer because to Kenneth McCormick that three worded question deserved one.

"What the fuck are you talking about, poor boy?"

"Well, you are gay, right? So you probably have a preference: dick or ass?"

Kenny chuckles to himself at the slight blush on Cartman's face because it isn't often that Cartman's in this position, obviously nervous and speechless, and Kenny moves closer to him, crawling from the foot of the bed to the headboard where Cartman is. He pinches the boy's fat cheek with a smile.

"You're such a cute little homo."

Cartman finally snaps out of it and slaps Kenny's hand away, forgetting his phone on his lap as he crosses his arms over his chest and looks away. He knew it would be a mistake to let the blond into his house. Kenny hadn't even had the common decency to call ahead of time, had just showed up at the Cartman household, uninvited and without warning.

Really there's no reason for him to be in here and up to now he had actually managed to not be annoying. He had been sitting at the edge of his bed in what Cartman had assumed was boredom but apparently Kenny had been spending his time thinking of his sexuality. Cartman had never actually come out of the closet, he'd just taken a few too many seconds to respond to Kenny calling him gay and just like that everyone knew that Eric Cartman liked guys, not that it came as a surprise to anyone.

That was three weeks ago and his friends had made few comments about his sexuality. No one seemed to care much which was just how Cartman liked it. It just figured that now when Cartman was finally getting used to being out that he would finally be questioned.

Cartman grunts and eyes Kenny, the tall blond giving him a weird smile and he'd like nothing more than to slap it off but at eighteen years old he had finally learned that fights were something that he tended to loose.

"Don't call me a homo."

"Would you prefer _homosexual_?"

The last word rolls off of Kenny's tongue slowly, leaning in even closer once he's finished his question. He doesn't even get a response, Cartman just takes a heavy breath and returns to his phone.

It might not have seemed like it but Kenny's question about dick versus ass was genuine. He's been thinking about what it must be like to look at other guys and feel what he feels when he looks at the girls in his nudie magazines. He's sure it must be different and he finally has someone to answer all his questions on what it's like to be gay even if Cartman doesn't seem to be a willing mentor.

Kenny scoots closer to Cartman, resting beside him against the headboard, and watches the brunet before looking down at the phone in his hands. Cartman's been on it the whole time he's been here and Kenny has no idea what it is that he's been doing on it. He leans in a bit closer but Cartman seems to sense his movement and angles the screen away from his view.

"Can I help you?"

Cartman's question is so far from genuine and Kenny translates it into a 'fuck off'. Despite that Kenny stares at the phone and is so close that Cartman's sure he can actually smell the poor on him.

"What are you doing?"

"None of your fucking business."

"Aw, don't be like that. Is it porn?"

For the second time in a matter of minutes Kenny's managed to turn the brunet red which is an apparently easy thing to do if you know what sorts of things to mention and now that Kenny knows what those specific things are he smiles. It may not be his preferred afternoon activity but messing with Cartman and getting him all flustered will just have to suffice.

"Shut up, Kenny."

"So it is porn then… Let me see!"

Kenny leans onto Cartman and the brunet pushes him back, dropping his phone in the process. It's one of those times where Cartman wishes he would have spent more time exercising instead of getting fatter because although Kenny might be a malnourished piece of crap he's still in better shape than him.

"Go away, asshole..."

"Look I don't care if it's gay porn or not I just wanna see…"

Cartman grunts a few time and finally, and perhaps only out of mercy, Kenny backs off moving away from Cartman and giving the boy time to catch his breath. He leans his head back and clothes his eyes, focusing on settling the harsh beats of his heart inside of his chest but he only gets a few seconds of respite before he hears Kenny, an obnoxious 'aha!' coming from the floor.

"Wait, a second this isn't porn…."

The boy seems genuinely confused, head tilted and lips pouted, he's looking up to Cartman as if he's expecting an explanation as to why there's no nude bodies in scandalous poses on the screen. Of course he doesn't get one, Cartman opting to reach over and snatch his stolen device from his hands, and of course Kenny moves his hand away just in time not even laughing when the brunet falls of the bed and right beside him.

"God-fucking-damnit."

Cartman grunts, his face pressed against the carpet and it takes a good portion of his strength to push himself back up. While Cartman busies himself with sitting up straight, Kenny looks back at the screen, Cartman's logged onto Facebook and Kenny scrolls through his profile. Right around the time that Cartman had come out of the closet he had gone on a massive unfriending spree and even Kenny hadn't been spared. The blond had figured that Cartman had done it so he could have privacy and make posts about how gay he was without judgment but instead all he finds are stupid memes and selfies the same shit that Cartman's always posted. Kenny registers Cartman's sounds of discontent, murmured insults and even more grunts, but it's the slight vibration caused by the phone on his hand that captures his immediate attention. He's got a message and its right when he's about to open it does Cartman finally get himself together.

"I swear to god, Kenny, if you don't give me back my phone I will rip off your balls and feed them to you."

Kenny waves a hand at him, dismissing his threat, and opens the message up. It's from Butters unsurprisingly and Kenny scrolls through their conversation which so far has consisted of Cartman complaining about his presence and Butters being sympathetic to his plight.

"This is it? You've just been talking to Butters this whole time? Well, that's not very exciting."

He tosses the phone back onto Cartman's lap and ignores the dirty look he gets in return. He's so fucking bored and even if Cartman is gay he's pretty fucking boring too, predictable even. If Kenny had another option than he wouldn't be here but alas he doesn't. So he scoots over next to Cartman and dares to rest his head upon the brunet's shoulder pleasantly surprised when Cartman lets him, refocused on sending what is a probably another message of Kenny-hate to Butters.

"I'm bored, Eric, you should entertain me."

"Fuck you."

"Eh, I'm not gay but…"

Kenny manages to surprise himself with that word. He isn't sure how to finish that sentence because he wasn't expecting to continue after 'I'm not gay' and thinking it through he really isn't. However that doesn't mean that he wouldn't be willing to fool around if he found a nice enough guy. He looks up at Cartman, really looks at him, and decides that if one were to judge solely based on facial appearance that Cartman could do decently. He's got the whole double-chin thing going on but Kenny's never been put off by fat before and anyways that fat has got its uses. Cartman's lips are plump and soft, at least, Kenny bets that they're soft and suddenly this hypothetical analysis of Cartman has gotten him uncomfortable. Cartman's not even a nice guy but Kenny's bored enough and willing to try anything once so he goes for it, lifting his head up and pressing his lips to Cartman's and just like he thought they're soft and warm and suddenly no longer attached to his though Cartman's fist is quick to reconnect to Kenny's face.

**A/N: Like I said maybe more will be added to this, maybe none will be added.**

**Thanks for reading 3**


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